Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The Journey of Motherhood

One of my greatest struggles of motherhood is not what I expected it would be.


Not because my little man isn't one of the best things that has ever happened to me and not because I don't love him and being with him. Simply because I am alone. A lot. Yes, little man is here with me but how much company does a 9 1/2 month old baby really give. I often crave adult conversation. 

The easy solution might seem to just go out and do more. The problem with that is that we are first of all a one car family. Secondly I still have things I have to do (cleaning, laundry, cooking, school...) and little man still takes two naps which tends to make things like going out more challenging. At first I still thought going out was the solution and I would look for every opportunity that I could. 

Now I find that the solution is being okay with where I am in life and understanding that it is a season. Learning to love the quiet and not so quiet (crying happens people!) moments at home with just me and the little. Learning to love to be a mom. I knew I would love it but it's a big change and a learning curve for sure. 

Everyone always tells you that marriage is one of the biggest life changes you will face but I would say that motherhood even one ups that. 

It's a change. A big change. A good change. A hard change. A worthwhile change. 

I've always said I love change...

And good grief he is totally worth it! 

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Water in the Desert

(an older photo but perfect for this post)

I spent the majority of this semester (We work with college students so I tend to break my year into semesters) feeling completely and utterly dry in my spiritual walk. Feeling as though God was barley there. Feeling as though He may have moved on without me. I was stuck. As a believer I know these things to be lies but when you are in the midst of it they are so easy to believe. Satan is so crafty.

There were days where I wouldn't even open my bible because I knew that God wouldn't speak. At least, I thought I knew. That's really how I felt. Not something that you hear a "good christian" admit but there it is. The truth. I was in the desert.

Almost two weeks ago now I had the amazing privileged to go on a retreat and listen to a lady (Margie Atwood) speak. Oh goodness. Did she encourage my soul with the truth that she shared. I wish that every woman at some point in their life would have an opportunity to hear her. A-maz-ing woman of God!

I also had an opportunity to speak with her and Cyndi (One of my hero's)  one on one. They were so encouraging to me. I poured my heart out to them. In the process I began to discover a lot of burdens that I was carrying that I needed to let go. Cyndi shared a picture that she felt like the Lord gave her for me. I was standing under a fountain and water was washing over me and I was happy! Boy oh boy did I ever need that water to wash over me. The Lord began to do a work in my heart there.

My times with Jesus have been sweeter. I am still being renewed and washed but honestly, that's a daily thing anyway. Margie shared two things that weekend that have been stuck in my mind. They were for me to hear. 

1.) She shared a truth that the Lord taught her and it's this simple. She heard the Lord tell her one day,

 "It's not a change in you but a reliance on me." 

Ding, ding ding! We have a winner! I mean, hello and duh! I am a doer. A fixer. I can come up with a plan and make something happen. The thing is, I can't make myself perfect. I can't make myself more like Jesus. I can't renew and replenish my own Spirit  It's Him. It's all Him and it's always been Him. I just have to rely on Him. *deep sigh of relief*

2.) Habakkuk 3:17-19 (Amplified Bible)

17 Though the fig tree does not blossom and there is no fruit on the vines, [though] the product of the olive fails and the fields yield no food, though the flock is cut off from the fold and there are no cattle in the stalls,
18 Yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will exult in the [victorious] God of my salvation!
19 The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds’ feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!

My version:
 When things are bad. When it seems like you can't move forward. REJOICE in the Lord of your salvation! He is your strength, your bravery, your army. He helps you to keep walking, not to just stand there and do nothing, but to keep walking and make progress. Not just physical progress but spiritual progress even in times of trouble, suffering and responsibility. 

Oh glory hallelujah! I seriously need that truth in my life. I have spent the last week and a half letting these two truths soak in. There are moments when I am still in the desert but let me just say that as these two truths have washed over me like a gushing fountain and I am totally renewed. God is so good. SO faithful. He knows just what we need. When I was in that dry place, He didn't love me any less. He is good! 

I felt a need to share this. Maybe because I just needed to write it down or maybe because someone really needed to hear it. Either way, there it is. I hope you are encouraged as I am!