Last night Britt and I went to go see my dad. It was encouraging and hard at the same time. Encouraging because he had the talking device in his trach and we were able to talk to him some. Hard because now that he can talk some we can see how difficult and painful this is for him.
There are still many times he cannot talk or is not “there” enough to talk; but the times that he can it are good.
Mom said that the other day he said something like, “This is so hard” and she replied saying, “Yes, but we have to trust the Lord.” “Sometimes it is so hard to trust the Lord” dad said, and mom replied, “Yes, sometimes it is really hard, but do you trust him?” “Yes” dad said.
That whole conversation was difficult and challenging for me to hear as mom relayed it to me. It was hard to hear my dad’s inward struggle spoken out loud. I have always viewed my dad as the strongest person I know. He is so strong and I know that He will fight this. What he said, “Sometimes it is hard to trust the Lord” is something that ALL of us feel at times. I appreciate the honesty in what he said.
After we got home from visiting dad I felt so “heavy” inside. I felt overwhelmed with everything going on around me. My dad in the hospital, all that we have to do in the next few weeks, my dear friend Amy and the difficult situation she is facing with her precious baby Ella and her heart condition, all of the change coming our way, etc… The list could go on and on. Some things are so good and other are difficult but the culmination of it all had me feeling so overwhelmed.
I began to feel like my dad. I began to feel like it was SO HARD to trust the Lord. I was telling Britt this and I told him, “I just don’t understand God. I don’t understand why He would do this to our family. I don’t understand why He would do this to Amy.” I wanted to lift my hands to the sky, throw my head in the air and say, “God, I don’t understand you!” Then, Britt reminded me that even when things seem so good it is still SO HARD to understand God.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.” Isaiah 55:8
It is not that I don’t trust the Lord. I know that He is in control, He love us and wants the best for us. I just don’t understand. Someday I may look back and understand, and then again I may not know until I am I heaven. I will continue to trust, despite my lack of understanding.
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28